Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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