omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
