if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
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I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
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Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize