My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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