I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Enjoy the penises
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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