Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
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Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
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and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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