dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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