I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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