Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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