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That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
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She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
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Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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