I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
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No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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