he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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