My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
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We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
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I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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