Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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