Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
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I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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