I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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