I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
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He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
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I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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