Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
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Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
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Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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