Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
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Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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