somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
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i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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