Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize