Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
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Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
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Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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