She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
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I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
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I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
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