I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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