You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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