The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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