Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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