if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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