it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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