I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
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