you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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