I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
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doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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