Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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