I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
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