the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
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white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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