my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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