k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
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We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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