Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
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we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
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Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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