There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
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Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
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There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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