I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
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