time to smoke my breakfast
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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