can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize