omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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