saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize