You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
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is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
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When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
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