my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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