she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize