first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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