yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
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thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
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I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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