I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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