I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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